Honest Ramblings and Rantings

I must admit that as the month goes on, I get more and more discouraged. Is God trying to tell us that we can't handle more than one child? I have to admit that I'm starting to prepare myself that Rebekah, our sweet miracle baby, will be our one and only. I'm sad that if that is the case, she won't have any siblings to grow up with.

We had alot of company/parties for her 2 year old birthday. I think we did it mainly because we are coming to grips with the fact that every year is precious and she will only turn 2 once in her life.

Today, was the last of the parties. I had some friends over and I have to admit that I was VERY overwhelmed. There was 15 KIDS ranging in age from 4 years to 2 months and 6 moms (I'm including Rebekah and myself there) I'm not used to that many kids and that much crying, running, eating, whining, etc. Was God trying to tell me that I couldn't handle another one? Is that why I miscarried a baby 17 months ago? Because I wouldn't have been able to handle it? Was it because I couldn't handle it and God knew that? or is God trying to tell me that I have to trust in Him more? I don't want to doubt God and what his plan is for our lives but I'm quite frankly upset that there are so many kids that are having kids or aborting kids. I'm also upset with the Government for having to tell us that unless we want a FAS or other severely disabled child we then need to go thru a private adoption that STARTS OUT at around $10,000!!! Why do we have to pay for a child? I don't think that's fair to the child! Why are all my friends having 3 or more kids and I do not? I'm I that terrible of a person? I'm crying out because I don't know what else to do any more. A friend of mine miscarried in March and that is ALL she talks about and quite frankly I'm getting sick and tired of it. I know that she needs to talk about it but I have to admit that it isn't fair to talk about it all the time! It seems that because she talks about it ALOT more than I do that hers seems to be worse and I disagree! There is no miscarriage that is easier than another. She also has 2 kids! and really doesn't have any problems about getting pregnant to begin with. Another friend and her hubby had problems getting pregnant the 1st time and now they have 3 children and "they" plan to have another and they plan to be pregnant by the end of the summer...I dispise this kind of talk! Are they forgetting that it could take time? That they themselves had problems and took them over a year to get pregnant the 1st time but that the other 2 kids came along with no problems and no waiting....WHY AM I WAITING LORD!!!! PLEASE HELP ME!!!!

I have been trying to loose weight to get my mind off of the whole infertility issue but I find it hard because...what if I'm pregnant? I don't want to harm the baby! I have lost a total of 15 pounds since last June (June of 2006). So to me I think that is excellant news.

I should go and try to sleep. I'm sorry for my little rant. I do apologize. I hope that you have a great time until the next post!